Session 19: Power of Positive Thinking

Following one of the worst sessions ever (see Session 18), I decided to "double-up" on class today and took two sessions in a row. It wasn't exactly planned, but the idea has in the back of my mind all week.

With a short 2-day trip to D.C. this weekend, I knew it would be difficult to meet my 30 days without falling behind on this commitment. And while this yoga thing is great, I'm not exactly enthusiastic about sacrificing time from my short vacation - which will be spent seeing friends, exhibits, and monuments in Washington DC - for the sake of meeting my '30-days in a row' goal.

So when my first practice today was filled with a multitude of distractions caused by neighboring yogis, I told myself I would at least consider taking a second class.

Normally this is a complete impossibility, totally unfathomable, and completely unreasonable to consider. People just don't do that! Not regular people, anyway. And I am still very much a regular person. I have yet to consider a handstand is a realistic possibility. Balance on my hands with my feet just in the air.. with no one holding my feet?! No. I don't do that.

In fact, I actively hold myself back. I tell myself I must first master the basics before I can go into anything that advanced. I don't even give myself the option of considering it. I mean, sure, I'll play around with the idea when the option is there, but it's always - "later" or "today is not that day."

But today was about reconciliation. That first practice wasn't a "real" class because it was filled with bad juju and negative energy. And, besides, the second class is shorter.

So I gave it a try. I moved my mat to a different part of the room (a cooler part!), got myself a coconut water (electrolyte replacement is key here), and gave it a shot. I figured that even if I only did some of the moves, I could probably get through it, even if I couldn't walk all weekend.

Molly & I with others in Namawanga, Kenya in 2007

My friend Molly happened to come to this class. As soon as I saw her it instantly elevated my mood. We chatted for a bit and I admitted how "crazy" I was for doing two classes in a row. When class started I began slowly, easing into each position. I made assumptions about how hard it would be. I warned myself that this could be a really bad idea. And I moved, each time, with no expectations. I was exploring, trying something new, and completely forgiving the limitations of my already sore muscles.

To my surprise, the class was actually not that hard. In fact, I really enjoyed it. I was able to bend deeper, to push myself farther, to really get into each pose far more than normal. Each time we moved into something that was challenging, I surprised myself with the ease in which I took it. And, by the end of class, I had reached total, complete bliss.

Photo from MLK Jr. Monument in Washington D.C.

So there you go. I guess it is possible to do nearly 3 hours of straight hot yoga and live to tell about it. And, even better, I have a renewed sense of possibility. Women in the career coaching business will tell you that women often discount themselves when they should be empowered. We assume we can't make a big career move, can't try out for the promotion, can't go on that vacation, can't have fun while we're under deadline pressure. But the truth is, that the only person that is telling us that we can't is ourselves.

And this is a good lesson to start thinking about what we can do. Explore possibilities. Try out something new. See what happens. It may not work out in your favor. Or it may be the best decision you ever made. You won't know it until you try. And, that, my friends is what really counts in the end.

For more inspiration, read Tara Sophia Mohr's 10 Rules for Brilliant Women.

Session 9: Pushing Through Misses the Point

Towards the end of the practice today the instructor said "This is your experience. You choose how you want to experience it. If you want it to be difficult, it will be difficult. If you want it to be easy, it will be easy. But know that whatever you choose, it was what you sought out."

Good Advertising by Hard Tail Clothing

She was talking to me. As she said it, I was breathing through extreme discomfort in pigeon pose. And this the part where I confess I'm an idiot. Pigeon always comes at the end of the class because it is calming and relaxing. Through this pose, your hips open while you rest and rinse out all of the work you just did. Or at least that's the idea. For me, pigeon was my chance to get in one more difficult stretch, my chance to get that much closer to the really flexible ladies that try to convince me to buy over-valued yoga pants by holding difficult and awkward poses. It was my opportunity to keep pushing myself towards possibility, success, enlightenment. Sure, class is difficult now (I would tell myself), but it will be easy soon enough.

What was I thinking?

I have been practicing with the assumption that pushing myself through each pose, holding while my shoulders scream in pain, breathing through extreme discomfort, will make me stronger. And, only when I'm stronger, when I have earned the right to an easier practice, will I actually start enjoying myself. I kept saying "the first week will be difficult, but after that it gets easier" and I earnestly believed that was true. 

But yoga doesn't ever get "easy." And while I do want to advance my practice into harder poses, it's not going to happen tomorrow. It might not ever happen. So why spend the next 21 days torchering myself during the "resting" portion of class when I could be enjoying it?

And sure, I did say from the beginning that this is the "hard" studio. But that is also a lie. It's not the studio, or the heat, or the Baptiste method that is challenging, it's me. And not only is this ridiculous perspective ineffective on the yoga mat, it's also an ineffective approach to life.

So I thought a little bit more about where this ridiculous perspective came from.. and it made me realize something about myself.

Daniel Burrus, CEO of Burrus Research recently wrote "There's no competetive advantage in being just like everyone else" in a recent publication for ThoughtLeaders.

The truth is, that difficult is the approach I take with life. I measure success based on pain - stress at work, overwhelming volunteer commitments, social engagements, lectures, and networking sessions every night, exercise that leaves me limping for days. And for whatever reason, I've convinced myself that pain is the measure of success, and success is happiness. The truth is, that a lot of us approach life this way. We think that if we are not continuously seeing a progression towards something, it's because we effed up.

Photo courtesy of Healthy Nutrition Expert

What I'm here to say tonight is: that idea of sacrifice will lead to success is completely false. Pain leads to pain, and greater expectations. At work, when you get things done through overtime, personal sacrifice, and working through lunch breaks while your friends all go out.. guess what you get? More opportunities to do just that. When you overcommit for volunteer events.. what do you get? The expectation that you can do more, that things are easy for you, and that you enjoy doing it. When you put friends or family consistently before yourself, even when it's not necessary, you generate an expectation that you will always put them first, even if it means you sacrifice your needs for some convenience for them.

And all of that is great. It makes you seem like you are invincible, that you are reliable, and successful, and a great friend to have. But are you better for it? Is anyone better for it? Every situation, every relationship, every job, every yoga practice is different. But who you now shouldn't always be about who you will be tomorrow, sometimes it needs to be about this moment.

I have a coworker that I recently acknowledged for her talent with setting boundaries. There is no question that she is fantastic at her job. She volunteers regularly and occasionally participates in after-work extracurriculars. And yet, when someone asks her to do something outside of scope, or increases expectations beyond what she has time to do, she says NO. She says no, and people respect her for it. She says no, and they keep coming back for more work. I absolutely admire her for that and I continually commend her for easily setting others expectations where they should be and keeps her well-being, and her personal relationships, ahead of sacrifice.

So tomorrow night will be different. I have made a commitment to focus on growing emotionally with my practice, rather than against it. I can't say that I'm a changed person, but at least I'm getting closer to what I don't want to be.. and that's at least a start.

Session 1: The (Post-Hangover) Test-Run

Well that was different. In my first post I mentioned that there were two studios that I belonged to: one was easier and smelled nice and the other was much harder but the instruction was superior. I chose the hard one.

Born Yogis is a book about how babies are natural yogis

My first session was an intense 90-minute all-levels class. At the studio, sessions are either basics, all levels, or intermediate. Most all levels classes are 75 minutes in a 90+ degree room with 20 and 40 other people who look like they were born doing one-legged dogs and yoga handstands (see photo.. apparently people really are born doing yoga). Today, thankfully, the class was a handful of misfits (like me) that were exhausted, uncoordinated, mildly hungover, and painfully committed to making it through their first class of 2012- even if they mostly laid in child's pose and were 3-moves behind in sun salutations. And we were.

One of the things I like most about this studio is that, in addition to fantastic instruction, they have assistants that come around the room and gently guide you into the position you're actually supposed to be in through a series of gentle hand movements on your respective parts. At first, this is awkward.. especially if you're like me and grew up in a WASP-y family that never hugged. After several years of practice, my husband (Chris), his family, and a series of friends (like Katie) have finally desensitized me to physical contact with others. And that, coupled with several years of occasional assisted yoga, I have not only become comfortable with this concept, I welcome it. Except, of course, when I'm in the condition I was in today.

You may recall that January starts with a national holiday where most people drink too much to compensate for the disappointment that nearly always comes from an unrealistic perception of how New Year's Eve should be celebrated. When the night turns out to not meet those expectations, we compensate by eating, drinking, and dancing too much. Knowing that I was planning to start the next day with an intense yoga session, however, I tempered my expectations (and drinking) to a more reasonable level. The champagne toast at midnight was my last drink, and I remained sober enough to drive my friend group 1.4 miles from the bar to our apartment.

Photo Courtesy of OhMyBikram Blog

But hot yoga isn't just a workout - it's a sweat out. And midway through class I smelled so profusely of boos and fried food that I couldn't stand myself (article on what your sweat taste says about your diet). This was somewhat acceptable because there were so few of us in class that there was plenty of buffer space between mats and my fellow yogis at least wouldn't get more than a whiff of my stench. But, of course, we had an assisted class with that sweet older lady that had kind eyes and an encouraging smile. Every time the she came to assist my movements I was apprehensive - partially because I was starting to feel sick from dehydration and lack of sleep and partly because I was the smelly kid in class and I was confident she thought so too.

The class went on. I was able to keep up fairly well and paced myself far better than I normally do. Turns out it's actually a lot easier to pace yourself when you know you'll be back tomorrow. Though it was mostly fear of injury that won over getting the absolute most out of every class.

A real yogi would say that there is no 'most' or 'best' and that you should listen to how your body responds to where it is at that moment. A real yogi would also not view 30 as the end of days. But I'm not a real yogi.. just a misfit working towards some goals I haven't really been able to articulate yet. Maybe I'm more like a misfit in search of goals.

Goals and Resolutions

With my first session in less than an hour, I wanted to post quickly about the goals I have for this effort.

1. I hope to actually get up the nerve to buy a monthly pass.
2. I would like to at least get through enough sessions to say I tried.
3. I will attend every session without judging myself based on outcomes.
4. I will actually follow the third goal, even if that means that I spend the entire time in child's pose, sweating profusely, and wishing I chose another 30-day challenge.
5. I will do my best to access some level of personal and, to use a yogi term, spiritual growth through development of my practice.

There are probably more, but that's a good start. At this point, I'm operating on only a few hours of sleep thanks to New Year's Eve with a slight hangover, mild dehydration, and an icky feeling in my stomach. And yet I'm doggedly committed to at least attending one session while everyone else in my apartment (a handful of friends stayed over last night) sleeps off our hardy celebration in anticipation of brunch.

But I can honestly say that today, or at least right now, my main resolution is to prove my friends wrong (votes were about 70/30 for me NOT making it to class today) and go to class even if I have to run out of the studio to vomit and sleep through the Patriot's game while nursing myself towards recovery for the mistakes that I made in committing to this silly goal to begin with. Cheers and happy new year!!

Why a 30/30/30?

The idea for this month of bliss has been in my mind for a while. I belong to two hot yoga studios in Cambridge. Each has its strengths: one smells really nice and has 60-minute sessions that are both refreshing and validating because I can keep up, do all the moves, and tend to set the pace in class and the other is significantly harder, kicks my butt every time, and the instruction is outstanding. Both clubs like to kick off the year by inspiring members to purchase a monthly pass and commit to attending at least one class a day for an entire month.

In the past when my instructors would plug this ridiculous idea, I would think to myself - 'good for them, but there is absolutely no way I would ever do that' and, again to myself, I would judge them as being obsessive, boring, half-crazy people who obviously had nothing better to do. I have a lot of good friends. I have a life. And I have, in the past, had zero interest in giving up an entire month to long, hard, yoga sessions which leave me exhausted (and thus bitchy). 

But this year is different. This month is not just the beginning of 2012, it's also the beginning of a time in my life which I have dreaded since I knew what it was to age, set goals for myself, and to work towards a "higher calling" (i.e. uncompromising, unforgiving, gross achievement). I can earnestly say that from the time I was a preteen I had expectations for who I would be and what I would become. I would work towards being the best person I could be, overachieve whenever possible, and continue to push boundaries and do something incredible. And I would dedicate the first half of my life to seeing this goal through.

January 7, 2012 would be my day of judgement. What I have achieved by that day would solely determine my self-worth. If I was proud of where I was, it would be because I was obviously an awesome person and deserved lots of praise. If not, it was because I sucked at life and should find a small, remote hole to crawl in and give up. My backup plan was to become a hermit.

Thankfully my adult self knows better (sort of). My visions of grandeur have been adjusted and I have a more holistic and realistic view of what it means to be "successful" (more on success later). Anyone who knows me will tell you that I have so many things to be grateful for. In 2011 alone, Chris and I were engaged and married, my family was happier and healthier than they have been in a long time, and, thanks to an internal transfer, I got a great job with a promising career.

But despite all of these wonderful things, I can't mute the whispers of my 13-year-old self reminding me of the impending judgement on the horizon and all that comes with identifying myself as THIRTY (more on that later). To silence the judgement, reflect, and grow through a remarkable challenge, I have decided to take on the hot yoga 30/30 and blog about it. I'm not sure if I can actually do it, or even if I really want to, but for now I have started this blog and made a personal commitment to seeing this thing through as far as I can take it.

Over the course of the next month, I'll talk more about WHY I chose to do this, reflect on what it means to be 30, and offer some insight into the personal, spiritual, and physical transformations which occur when you throw yourself into 30 days of 75+-minute 100-degree yoga sessions that produce sweat puddles, horrifying smells, and bring out pretty much every emotion you can experience. I'll try to keep the posts short and digestible and keep content relative to what others are experiencing as well. And, by the end, I hope to at least offer others whatever benefits may come out of throwing yourself into something new and seeing where you end up.