Session 15: Forgiveness

Sometimes it's hard to decide what is best for you. I was absolutely exhausted today. Every muscle, every ligament, every fiber in my body was sore when I woke up this morning. I felt achy, tired, and a little defeated. My brain wanted to get ready for yoga: it rationalized the benefits, projected images of the room, conjured the feeling of the mat against my toes, and reminded my body of times past when I was grateful for pushing myself to go.

But my body was adamant against any challenge today. And I responded, appropriately, with a backup plan. Take a later class, I said, or do a video at home. Maybe I just needed to get out of the heat. Maybe I just needed a slower paced class. Maybe I just need to rest for another hour.

Well, actually, no, Julie. What you need is real rest. Like the kind of rest that involves sitting around and doing nothing, taking afternoon naps, and reading on the couch. And I almost believed that. But sometimes it's hard to accept what is best for you, especially when you can call it names: lazy, weak, quitter, and anything that comes after the word "can't."

The truth is, despite my body's unwillingness to move, I went back and forth a dozen times on whether or not to go to yoga today. But as I clung to my yoga gear in a last minute push "to just do it," I realized that the only reason I had to attend class today was not for my benefit, but to fulfill the commitment of 30 straight days. And when I distilled this commitment down to what I most hope to achieve during this time, forgiveness is among the most important. So I suppose that means that I do have to forgive my body for being exhausted and I have to forgive my mind for all of the choices that I made which lead up to my current physical state.

I like to relate the lessons that I learn through this experience back to my personal and professional life and this is among the most obvious ones. It is so easy to get wrapped up in results. When something doesn't go as you expected, you can recount all of the choices you made which lead to the result. You can blame others for the circumstances that forced you to make a choice. You can spend a lot of time beating yourself up for things that didn't go your way. Or, and this is the lesson, we could just forgive ourselves and consider that an opportunity rather than a failure.

Photo courtesy of Miller-Mccune.com

Session 9: Pushing Through Misses the Point

Towards the end of the practice today the instructor said "This is your experience. You choose how you want to experience it. If you want it to be difficult, it will be difficult. If you want it to be easy, it will be easy. But know that whatever you choose, it was what you sought out."

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She was talking to me. As she said it, I was breathing through extreme discomfort in pigeon pose. And this the part where I confess I'm an idiot. Pigeon always comes at the end of the class because it is calming and relaxing. Through this pose, your hips open while you rest and rinse out all of the work you just did. Or at least that's the idea. For me, pigeon was my chance to get in one more difficult stretch, my chance to get that much closer to the really flexible ladies that try to convince me to buy over-valued yoga pants by holding difficult and awkward poses. It was my opportunity to keep pushing myself towards possibility, success, enlightenment. Sure, class is difficult now (I would tell myself), but it will be easy soon enough.

What was I thinking?

I have been practicing with the assumption that pushing myself through each pose, holding while my shoulders scream in pain, breathing through extreme discomfort, will make me stronger. And, only when I'm stronger, when I have earned the right to an easier practice, will I actually start enjoying myself. I kept saying "the first week will be difficult, but after that it gets easier" and I earnestly believed that was true. 

But yoga doesn't ever get "easy." And while I do want to advance my practice into harder poses, it's not going to happen tomorrow. It might not ever happen. So why spend the next 21 days torchering myself during the "resting" portion of class when I could be enjoying it?

And sure, I did say from the beginning that this is the "hard" studio. But that is also a lie. It's not the studio, or the heat, or the Baptiste method that is challenging, it's me. And not only is this ridiculous perspective ineffective on the yoga mat, it's also an ineffective approach to life.

So I thought a little bit more about where this ridiculous perspective came from.. and it made me realize something about myself.

Daniel Burrus, CEO of Burrus Research recently wrote "There's no competetive advantage in being just like everyone else" in a recent publication for ThoughtLeaders.

The truth is, that difficult is the approach I take with life. I measure success based on pain - stress at work, overwhelming volunteer commitments, social engagements, lectures, and networking sessions every night, exercise that leaves me limping for days. And for whatever reason, I've convinced myself that pain is the measure of success, and success is happiness. The truth is, that a lot of us approach life this way. We think that if we are not continuously seeing a progression towards something, it's because we effed up.

Photo courtesy of Healthy Nutrition Expert

What I'm here to say tonight is: that idea of sacrifice will lead to success is completely false. Pain leads to pain, and greater expectations. At work, when you get things done through overtime, personal sacrifice, and working through lunch breaks while your friends all go out.. guess what you get? More opportunities to do just that. When you overcommit for volunteer events.. what do you get? The expectation that you can do more, that things are easy for you, and that you enjoy doing it. When you put friends or family consistently before yourself, even when it's not necessary, you generate an expectation that you will always put them first, even if it means you sacrifice your needs for some convenience for them.

And all of that is great. It makes you seem like you are invincible, that you are reliable, and successful, and a great friend to have. But are you better for it? Is anyone better for it? Every situation, every relationship, every job, every yoga practice is different. But who you now shouldn't always be about who you will be tomorrow, sometimes it needs to be about this moment.

I have a coworker that I recently acknowledged for her talent with setting boundaries. There is no question that she is fantastic at her job. She volunteers regularly and occasionally participates in after-work extracurriculars. And yet, when someone asks her to do something outside of scope, or increases expectations beyond what she has time to do, she says NO. She says no, and people respect her for it. She says no, and they keep coming back for more work. I absolutely admire her for that and I continually commend her for easily setting others expectations where they should be and keeps her well-being, and her personal relationships, ahead of sacrifice.

So tomorrow night will be different. I have made a commitment to focus on growing emotionally with my practice, rather than against it. I can't say that I'm a changed person, but at least I'm getting closer to what I don't want to be.. and that's at least a start.

Session 4: Food = Fuel and Why Salt is OK

Session 4 kicked my butt. Ironically, it was a short basics class which focused mostly on positioning your body correctly in each movement and a lot less posture-intensive from the all levels version. Yet, still, I found myself in child's pose while our instructor narrated breathing through the discomfort in our first position. I "cheated" with knees whenever possible just to give my shoulders a rest. I "took a break" to get hydrated not because I was thirsty, but because I just couldn't hack it. And I celebrated, quietly and to myself, when we reached the end of class.

And since I had reached this point already (didn't I say just yesterday how I couldn't wait for the next class?? That's what I get..), it seemed like the perfect opportunity to ask the instructor for some tips on surviving and thriving (yoga word) in the next month. Here is her advice:

• First, congratulate yourself for making a commitment to furthering your practice and to your physical and (sometimes) spiritual well being. Yoga is a holistic practice which can inspire and change your life {and it has - I'll post more on life changing experiences of others later}.
• Second, don't try to do every move. Instead, only participate in postures that nourish and further your practice {I laughed when she said this - that's easy! I couldn't do them all if I wanted to!}
• Also, make sure to hydrate consistently {more about hydration later}
• When you drink, you want to replace electrolytes lost during the practice. {Full article on hot yoga and electrolytes here through Livestrong.com}
• Make sure to eat salt (especially if you're craving it) {and I was!}
• And if the heat is wearing you down, do a session at home (out of the heat) just to give your body a break or take a day off. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Her advice was, if nothing else, spot on and I appreciated every bit of it. {You don't have to tell me twice to add more salt to my diet!} But there was one piece of advice which I totally threw out the window and I would highly recommend others considering an intense physical commitment like this one to do the same: add more heat!

After a class where my body was absolutely exhausted, sore, and all muddled up with lactic acid, I knew that the best thing for me was to get to a hot tub and work it out.. and that's just what I did. After an hour between the hot tub, the shower, and the steam room at my fru-fru gym (healthworks is one of the top rated women's gyms in the country) I felt like I had switched bodies. It was amazing.

To take this as a lesson, regardless of who you are getting advice from - whether it be a highly practiced yoga instructor or your boss - just keep in mind that sometimes you do know what's best for you. And I don't mean use that as an excuse to avoid doing something you don't want to do - I mean do exactly what is the best thing for your body, mind, or soul regardless of what others think your limitations are.

Goals and Resolutions

With my first session in less than an hour, I wanted to post quickly about the goals I have for this effort.

1. I hope to actually get up the nerve to buy a monthly pass.
2. I would like to at least get through enough sessions to say I tried.
3. I will attend every session without judging myself based on outcomes.
4. I will actually follow the third goal, even if that means that I spend the entire time in child's pose, sweating profusely, and wishing I chose another 30-day challenge.
5. I will do my best to access some level of personal and, to use a yogi term, spiritual growth through development of my practice.

There are probably more, but that's a good start. At this point, I'm operating on only a few hours of sleep thanks to New Year's Eve with a slight hangover, mild dehydration, and an icky feeling in my stomach. And yet I'm doggedly committed to at least attending one session while everyone else in my apartment (a handful of friends stayed over last night) sleeps off our hardy celebration in anticipation of brunch.

But I can honestly say that today, or at least right now, my main resolution is to prove my friends wrong (votes were about 70/30 for me NOT making it to class today) and go to class even if I have to run out of the studio to vomit and sleep through the Patriot's game while nursing myself towards recovery for the mistakes that I made in committing to this silly goal to begin with. Cheers and happy new year!!